Today I turned 35.
When I woke up I had texts from nearly all my family members,
since they live on the East Coast so they’d already been up.
I love that my Dad said, “That’s 35!”
I bet it was part: “That’s 35 years of you! I can’t believe it!” and “That’s 35 you made it to! Great job!” (Upon closer inspection, he only said that because he put 35 exclamation points and was trying to tell me that. Oh well, I’m keeping this!)
I’ve never been one who worried too much about getting older.
I think it’s more of an accomplishment than something to be ashamed of.
And I try really hard not to compare my life with anyone else’s or even where I thought I would be at a certain age. Easier said than done.
One thing I didn’t think I would be dealing with
was going into my 35th year
without my Mom.
It’s almost been two months and it still doesn’t feel real;
I know it’s going to take time to adjust
but on special days it’s really hard.
I remember one of the first things I thought about after my Mom died was birthdays.
She always called us and sang and left a long message.
I wanted to make sure I did something special for my siblings to carry that tradition on.
“Who’s birthday is coming up next?” I thought,
and broke down crying when I realized it was mine.
Luckily I have some voicemails saved in my phone.
I don’t want to listen to them all the time; it’s too hard.
But I decided to listen to one today.
It was one she left for me a year and a day ago;
she called me last year before and after my birthday because she knew
so many people would call me on the actual day,
and she wanted to be different,
as if she could be anything else even if she tried.
I listened to her say how much she loved me,
how proud of me she was,
how adorable she thought Rosemary was
and how glad she was that I found Danny,
how she was struggling with going through her possessions
but it would all be left behind
and she knew her future home,
where she would end up,
in heaven.
“It is what it is,” she said several times,
and though that sentence doesn’t sound like much,
it felt like more.
I listened to the entire 2.5 minutes of the message,
how my Mom tried to say goodbye three or four times,
adding an I love you each time
and then remembering something else to say
until she finally did say goodbye.
Though I cried through most of it,
after it finished like that stone
that has been sitting on chest
cracked a bit.
I could breathe deeper.
I felt better.
It comes in moments,
the relief and the grief.
It feels weird to celebrate being born
when the person who gave birth to me is no longer here.
But, like my Mom said, “gIt is what it is.”
So here I am at 35.
Perfectly positioned between 30 and 40.
Where was I at 30?
I was living in a big room with my friends in Santa Cruz,
had just signed with my agent at the time,
and was working hard to pay off my debt,
enjoying my job teaching kids about history.
In just a few months I’d go home to NY and meet Danny,
and everything would start to shift and change.
Where am I at 35?
I’m living in a smaller room with my family in Santa Clara,
I just parted ways with my agent,
and my debt is all paid off.
I’ve carried another live inside me and delivered it at home,
and cared for that little girl everyday, watching her grow up into something amazing.
I work at my favorite indie bookstore and connect people with books
and meet amazing creators.
I have a book coming out.
A real life book that I WROTE.
Some of those things I could have imagined happening by the time I was 35.
Some of them I couldn’t.
Where will I be at 40?
Who knows.
I do know where I am now and who I am now.
I love that I was born in April, at the end of the 1st quarter.
It’s a nice reminder that I can check back in on the year and see how I’m doing.
I don’t want to make a list of things to do in my 35th year;
lists of things to do frequently don’t get completed.
It is what it is.
Instead, I want to make a list of 35 things I’m excited about in my 35th year.
Some are for sure happening.
Some may happen.
We’ll see.
35 things I’m excited about in my 35th year:
1. My book coming out in June!!!!
2. Going to Children’s Institute in New Orleans in June.
3. Danny finishing up with school on May 23rd.
4. ComicCon this weekend (Selling books but I’m still going to see cool stuff!)
5. Going to the Children’s Museum more with Rosemary.
6. Watching Rosemary grow more and more awesome.
7. Completing my 100 day project with Rosemary.
8. Completing my 100 day project on writing.
9. Adding more printables to my shop and watching that grow.
10. Getting back to the podcast and creating a resource for everyone.
11. Getting better at writing queries.
12. Submitting to editors and agents.
13. Getting an agent.
14. Getting another book deal!
15. Completing the prototype of a game and sending it off to my editor.
16. Continuing to plan to grow our family and perhaps another baby.
17. Continuing to journal at the end of each day.
18. All of the awesome books I’m going to read!
19. New creative adventures and skills.
20. Moving? Danny getting a transfer?
21. Working on new writing projects.
22. Completing writing projects!
23. Visiting with friends.
24. Visiting family at home.
25. Book events, here and in NY.
26. Celebrating with friends who have books published.
27. Having a good time and doing new things at my job.
28. Continuing Christmas traditions we started last year.
29. Playing around with art on the IPad more.
30. Finding a fitness routine that works with my life.
31. Continuing to save money towards future goals.
32. Helping Danny create games and sell them.
33. Fun. Of any kind. Of all kinds.
34. Laughter. Of any kind. Of all kinds.
35. Love. Of any kind. Of all kinds.
Thanks for being here and reading about the hopes for my next trip around the sun.
Bye for now,
Kathy Ellen
